


The Depth of Rock-Bottom

by Chimney_on_the_roof



Series: His Silver Lining [5]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Anxiety, Confusion, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Foster Care, M/M, Menstruation, Okay maybe it is, Pre-Slash, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans Male Character, Vomiting, i think, this sounds heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25981288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimney_on_the_roof/pseuds/Chimney_on_the_roof
Summary: “I’m gonna use the bathroom,” he said before walking away as calmly as he could. As soon as he reached the bathrooms he had to make a decision. Men’s or women’s bathroom? He would usually go into the men’s bathroom, but he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure about anything. He didn’t belong in the men’s bathroom.A.k.a. Alex isn't doing great (but he has friends who care about him!)
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Series: His Silver Lining [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1872574
Comments: 9
Kudos: 65





	The Depth of Rock-Bottom

**Author's Note:**

> Read the other parts before you read this one or you'll be ~confused~!  
> This might be a bit heavy? So, warnings for anxiety attack (sort of?), unhealthy thoughts, vomiting, menstruation (mentioned). Read at your own risk!! <3

“Why am I Lumière? Is it because I’m French?” Lafayette exclaimed, throwing his hands up. Hercules nodded vigorously.

“That makes no sense. Everyone in Beauty and the Beast is French.” Lafayette hid his head in his arms on the coffee shop’s table.

“True,” Hercules said, pointing at him with his teaspoon, “But Adrienne is totally Plumette.”

Lafayette lifted his head and smiled. “Good point. Alex, you would totally be Belle.” Hercules agreed.

Alex heard the discussion between his friends about who Hercules would be as if it happened on the other side of the coffee shop. His muffin suddenly wasn’t as tasty anymore. He put it down and noticed his hand was shaking. He hoped his friends wouldn’t notice what was going on.

“I’m gonna use the bathroom,” he said before walking away as calmly as he could. As soon as he reached the bathrooms he had to make a decision. Men’s or women’s bathroom? He would usually go into the men’s bathroom, but he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure about anything. He didn’t belong in the men’s bathroom. He didn’t deserve the pronouns ‘he/him’. She wasn’t a real boy. She was just a confused girl, wanting to be special because nothing in life came easy to her.

A woman tapped her on the shoulder. “Are you okay? You look like you’re lost. Can I help you?”

Alex looked at her. This was a real woman. She had long, greying red hair and wore glasses with a deep red frame. Alex’s red hair was short, because- Because she was confused. She was lost. Tears started to cloud his- _her_ vision.

“I’m fine,” she said with a voice that was higher than usual, but that was okay. It was normal, it was how girls were supposed to sound. She pushed past the woman and entered the women’s bathroom. There were two stalls, as opposed to the men’s bathroom which only had one and a urinal, which Alex wasn’t supposed to know. After locking the door behind her, she let out a shuddering breath. Took a shuddering breath, let out another shuddering breath, took a shuddering breath… She didn’t get enough air. The stall seemed to tilt and she dropped to her knees to keep her balance. She still managed to bump her head into the door and then the world existed only of pain. A sob escaped her lips, and another. She needed to take off her binder, she didn’t need a binder anymore. Alex managed to take his- _her_ shirt off, but the binder required too much strength. Her trembling fingers weren’t a match for the strong material. She sank back into the door and leaned her chin on her hands. It was wet from the freely flowing tears. She just wanted it to be over.

But it wasn’t. She didn’t pass out, she remained in the stall. Nobody would find her. Lafayette and Hercules would look for her in the men’s bathroom. Thomas and John wouldn’t even know something was going on. No one else cared.

She had her phone. She sat up to retrieve it from her pocket, and slumped back when she got it. She unlocked the phone and opened her contacts.

“Hey Alex! What’s going on?”

Alex stayed silent.

“Are you alright?”

Alex stayed silent.

“You’re worrying me, son. Can you talk to me?”

“Don’t call me son,” Alex whispered.

“Okay. Where are you?” George asked with more worry in his voice.

Alex stayed silent. He- _she_ ended the call and threw her phone into the toilet. It made a nice splash and a less nice thump. Unable to resist her curiosity, she went to stand up and look at her phone. When she got to her feet, her vision went black.

Someone was knocking on the door. Alex wanted it to stop. He didn’t get his own room in an apartment so people could knock mercilessly on his door. He wondered if he was back in a foster home. Everything hurt, so that could make sense. He wasn’t lying in a bed, so it definitely made sense. Someone was still knocking on the door. He moved and involuntarily let out a groan. He immediately froze. He wasn’t allowed to make a noise. The knocking, however, stopped. It was dead silent; he knew that both he and the person on the other side of the door were listening for another sound. He opened his eyes and immediately shut them against the too bright light.

“Alex?” someone said.

Alex held his breath. He recognised the booming voice and everything came flooding back. He opened his eyes again. He saw he was still in the bathroom stall, on the floor with his head behind the toilet bowl and his feet by the door. It wasn’t a particularly comfortable position.

“Alex, can you open the door?” George asked. It sounded commanding, but at the same time like a genuine question. Alex moved his left arm under his body to push himself off the floor, but as soon as he sat up, his head pounded and every inch of his body seemed to be too heavy. At least he had managed to sit upright, but that was it. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. “No.”

Someone who was not George sighed. “It’s really Alex,” he heard Lafayette whisper. He realised the sigh must’ve been a sigh of relief.

“Why not?” George asked Alex.

“It’s too…” Alex didn’t know what he was going to say. “Sorry, I can try.” He opened his eyes again and looked up at the lock. It wasn’t that far away, right? He moved himself to the door, and clutching his head with one hand, he unlocked the door with the other. “It’s open,” he said, although he knew it was a bit unnecessary.

The door swung open, revealing Lafayette’s father, who immediately knelt down. “Alex! What’s going on?”

Alex grabbed his stomach and doubled over. He was sure he was going to be sick. “Everything hurts and I’m going to vomit,” he groaned. He felt a hand land on his back, and immediately – he didn’t know his sore limbs were able to – he flinched away, grabbing the toilet bowl to support himself. “Sorry,” he immediately mumbled, before throwing up in the toilet, aware that his phone was still in there.

“Don’t worry about it …Alex.” Alex knew George was actually going to say ‘son’, and grimaced. Now his throat was hurting too.

“Let’s get out of here. I don’t like curious people, and in this case I can’t imagine you do. Can you stand?”

“I need to take my binder off,” Alex said. He knew he couldn’t do it himself, but didn’t really want Lafayette’s father to help him with it either.

“Your what?”

“Dad,” Lafayette said from behind him. “Let me help him.” George looked between Alex and his son. Alex nodded, and George got to his feet.

“Alright,” he said, giving Lafayette a pat on the shoulder. Lafayette took his place and put a gentle hand on Alex’s shoulder. His fingers were slim. “Are you okay with me helping you take your binder off?”

Alex felt his stomach twist, and before he could announce it to Lafayette, he was throwing up again. He heard George usher people away from the bathroom. Alex, still bent over the toilet bowl, felt Lafayette’s hand rubbing his back and he found that he didn’t mind. “Yeah,” he said in response to his question.

Lafayette closed the door until it was only opened a crack to give them some privacy, and he helped Alex take his binder off. Alex put his shirt on and leaned into Lafayette’s side who was sitting next to him against the wall. He was too tired to think about whether Lafayette would mind or not. Lafayette ran a hand through Alex’s hair. “Can you stand?” his friend murmured into his ear. Alex shook his head.

Lafayette pushed the door open with a hand. Alex didn’t know if Hercules had been there all along, but he was there now. He took a look at the vomit in the toilet bowl, made a face, and went to flush the toilet. “Wait,” Alex stopped him, sitting up straight.

Hercules raised an eyebrow at him. “You want to keep the puke?”

Alex shook his head, immediately regretting it. “My phone’s still in there.”

“What?” Lafayette and Hercules both said.

“I threw my phone in the toilet. Don’t ask why, I don’t know.”

His friends exchanged a look. “Well,” Hercules said, “I’m not getting it for you.”

Lafayette sighed and dragged a hand across his face. “I’ll do it. Give me a plastic bag or something.”

“Wait, I can do it,” Alex said, but Lafayette held him back with a hand on his shoulder. “No, you’re staying right here. Herc, give me a plastic bag.”

“One plastic bag coming up,” Hercules said before exiting the bathroom just as George returned.

“How is he?” George asked Lafayette, even though the person he was talking about sat right next to him. Lafayette shrugged and looked at Alex, who hadn’t even realised he was leaning against Lafayette again.

“Can you take him home?”

“Yes, I can do that. Alex, are you done throwing up?”

“I think so,” Alex said. He wondered why nobody had asked him what happened or why he was in the women’s bathroom, but he didn’t want to answer those questions just yet. He had to get it straight for himself first.

George carried Alex through the back door of the coffee shop, avoiding any curious people. He was placed in the passenger seat of a car he’d been in before and George drove away. Alex hoped Lafayette would manage to get his phone, and wouldn’t forget about his bag still by his seat in the coffee shop. The seat was very comfortable.

His stomach churned when he realised George wasn’t driving him to the apartment, but to the big house where Alex had spent the night before. He clutched his stomach and hoped it would obey to his wishes of not throwing up. At least the pain in his entire body had withdrawn to three spots in his body: his head, his stomach, and the left side of his hip he assumed he fell on after passing out. His binder hadn’t left any lasting damage.

The events in the Washington household were a blur to Alex. He remembered meeting Lafayette’s mother, Martha, who was extremely caring and had soft hands. She let him lie on the couch while she examined his body – with his consent – for any bruises. Nothing serious, she said. Alex told her he had his period which caused the stomach-ache. He was ashamed to tell anyone he had his period, but Martha was a woman who probably knew about menstruation.

“Dear, have you been paying attention to your iron intake?” Alex shook his head. “That’s important with all the blood loss. I’m making you a meal with lots of spinach tonight.” She ruffled his hair and left him alone. He fell asleep after that.

“How is Lafayette French?” was the first thing he said when he woke up. He lay still, staring at the ceiling, wondering if he’d really said that out loud. He assumed he had, because he heard someone snicker.

“You haven’t told him?” Hercules asked. Alex looked over at him and saw the question was directed at Lafayette, who sat cross-legged in the chair next to him. Lafayette shrugged. “Not really, no.” He looked at Alex. “I’m adopted,” he said.

Alex kept quiet. _Lucky,_ was all he could think. He’d dreamed of getting adopted, but never was and then he aged out of the foster system, which he was grateful enough for.

“We’ll talk about that later,” Lafayette said with a dismissing wave of the hand. “Alex.”

Alex felt the dreaded question coming up.

“What happened?”

He looked back at the ceiling, unable to look his friends in the eyes. “I have my period,” he said. “And when I have my period I’m always more sensitive for… For things to do with… You know, me being trans and all. I start questioning my trans-ness and wondering if I’m trans enough. And…” He swallowed. He didn’t want to blame his friends. “You guys said I was Belle and I overreacted.” He spared them the details of his exact thoughts and feelings. “I think I had some sort of anxiety attack? I don’t really know what happened. All I know is that I managed to hit my head and called George and then threw my phone in the toilet. I also, uh, passed out?”

He finally dared to look at his friends, who looked surprised, or maybe shocked. He could guess what they were thinking: _You should’ve told us_. But he hadn’t. And his friends weren’t saying anything.

“Oh!” Lafayette suddenly said. “I have your phone! We cleaned it but-”

“That’s great Laf,” Hercules interrupted him, “But I don’t think that’s the most pressing issue at the moment. Alex,” he gave Alex a worried look, “Is there anyone we can contact for you?”

Alex sat up and noticed the crocheted blanket that was draped over him. “I don’t think so. Can I have some water?” he quickly changed the subject.

“Of course,” Lafayette said and he jumped up to get it for him. Alex heard his voice in the kitchen and then Martha’s voice, so he assumed he was telling her what Alex had told him. He played with the blanket.

“Alex, what do you mean, you can’t contact anyone?” Hercules asked, sitting down next to Alex on the couch. “Lafayette’s father can easily find any phone number, if that’s why?”

Alex shook his head. “No, I literally mean there’s nobody. Perhaps John, but I don’t see why he should worry about me. He doesn’t have anything to do with…” He gestured vaguely at himself.

“You don’t…” Hercules didn’t finish his sentence. Lafayette came back with a glass of water and Alex quickly took the opportunity to not have to say anything.

“My mother says you can stay here tonight,” Lafayette said, sitting down on Alex’s other side.

Alex had already seen that coming and said, “That’s very kind, but I’d rather go back to the apartment.”

Lafayette frowned. “Are you sure? Your apartment is across the city. If something happens-”

“Nothing will happen, Lafayette. Besides, the apartment is closer to a hospital than this house is.” Alex refused to call the apartment ‘his’ apartment, because it wasn’t his. He merely lived there.

“But-”

Alex shook his head and let his teeth clash with the glass as he took another sip.

“Then at least take this phone so you can contact us,” Martha said. Alex wondered how long she’d been standing in the doorway. She handed him a phone with a cracked screen. Alex took it and nodded. “George will bring you home.” _Home_ , he internally scoffed. Outwardly, he smiled his thanks at her.

George insisted on walking Alex to the apartment door, and he handed Alex a Tupperware box before leaving. Alex locked the front door behind him, kicked off his shoes, and put the box with a spinach-heavy meal on the kitchen counter. Hercules had remembered Alex’s bag in the coffee shop, and Alex threw it onto his bed before going down the hall again to check if John was still there. He hoped he was, but the chance was very small since it was past dinnertime and that was usually when John left for South Carolina.

Alex knocked on the door, expecting no response. It was quiet, but then-

“Uh, what, uh, come in?” Alex’s heart jumped and he bit back a smile, and opened the door. John was sitting cross-legged on his bed with headphones in his hand and the radio-slash-CD player in front of him. Alex heard the familiar whirring of a CD. John looked at Alex curiously. Alex gave him a nervous smile.

“Hi,” he said. He closed the door behind him. “Can I…” He gestured at the bed.

“Oh, yes, sure!” John put his CD player and headphones aside and shuffled on his bed as if to make more space for Alex, even though there was enough space.

“Thanks.” Alex sat down on the bed with his back against the wall and hugged his knees to his chest. He knew John was very confused.

“Are you alright?” John carefully asked. Alex shook his head and pressed his face to his knees. He shouldn’t have come to John’s room, but John was the only one he felt safe with. John understood him, although Alex had to explain first for him to understand. He started telling John about what happened at the coffee shop, including the thoughts that had crossed his mind. He was surprised his voice didn’t waver.

“Come here,” John said when Alex was done. He took Alex in his arms, and that was when the tears came. John rubbed a hand on Alex’s back and held him tight. Alex sobbed and buried his face in John’s shoulder, all the while revelling in John’s touch.

“Remember I told you I like you just the way you are?” John whispered in his ear when the sobs died down and there were only silent tears. Alex nodded against his shoulder. That was why he felt so safe with John.

“Do you also remember that I stayed here instead of with my family last week?” Alex smiled and nodded again. Of course he did, it was only a week ago. It was when Thomas came over for dinner, and after that John had played Downtown on the guitar.

“My father kicked me out.”

Alex frowned and sat back to look at him. “What do you mean? Why?”

John avoided his gaze. “I told him I’m gay and he told me to never return. That’s why I’m still here, and I’m glad I am.” He looked Alex in the eye and gave him a sad smile.

“John…”

“Don’t.” John’s expression turned serious. “I don’t mind. I’m glad I’m here with you.” His gaze softened again, in the way Alex was used to. His heart jumped, and skipped a beat when John reached out to wipe Alex’s tears away.

“I’m glad you’re here too,” Alex said, trying not to lean into the touch. John’s hand lingered on his cheek and Alex searched his eyes, but then John pulled his hand away. Alex could still feel his hand and wished he hadn’t pulled away. He realised John was looking at him too, and he felt his heartbeat pick up and his breath quicken. John’s lips were slightly parted and Alex felt his own bottom lip start to quiver.

“Alex…” John said, making it sound like no more than a breath. Alex blinked, hoping John would interpret it as a response.

“What about your parents?”

Alex stared at John. He felt his eyes widen and his lip start to tremble. His already racing heart started to beat at a different pace – still quick, but somehow not as warm as before. “What?” he managed to whisper. He watched John’s face fall.

“Oh, shit. Alex, I’m sorry-” John buried his head in his hands.

“No, wait, John… What…” Alex was confused. He wondered what John was thinking, because he couldn’t imagine anything. John couldn’t possibly know he was an orphan.

Alex put a hand on John’s arm. “John,” he said. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Please.”

John dropped his hands and sighed. “I’m an idiot.”

“No, John- Why would you say that?”

John took a deep breath and sighed again, looking intently at Alex. “I know you’re always avoiding talking about family and your past. I shouldn’t have brought it up, I was curious. I’m sorry, Alex.”

Alex quickly shook his head. “Don’t be sorry, I- I want to forget it, but now…”

“Alex, you don’t have to share it with me.”

“I want to.”

John gave Alex an indecipherable look, but didn’t say anything. Alex took it as a cue to continue.

“It was… cruel of your father to tell you to stay away after you came out. That was brave of you, by the way.” John smiled at him. “When I was about ten, I started figuring out I wasn’t a girl. I mean, not as literally because I had no idea about the whole idea of being transgender, because, well… We were very poor and I lived in the Caribbean, if that’s enough of an explanation. In retrospect, I think my father figured it out. He left with my brother, not wanting to deal with any trouble. I felt extremely guilty, but my mother always told me it wasn’t my fault. And then she died.” He swallowed, and John looked at him as if he wanted to hold him. Alex wasn’t sure what made him look like that, or maybe he was projecting, but he leaned into his side and put his head on John’s shoulder. John immediately held him closer.

“I was on my own. Then a lot more happened. There was a hurricane, basically everything was destroyed, I was sent to the mainland because of how clever I was or something, I was placed in a foster home… And in another foster home because I caused trouble, and in another… And then, because I did have good grades in high school, an anonymous patron paid for a scholarship, so here I am. Going to college. And luckily I’m not in the foster system anymore.”

John squeezed his arm and Alex closed his eyes. “I’m glad you’re here,” John said, “And I’m sorry about the events bringing you here.”

“Same.”

They stayed like that in silence for a moment, until Alex asked, “Can we listen to music?”

John ruffled Alex’s hair. “Exactly what I was thinking.” He reached for his CD player and with his arms around Alex he plugged out the headphones.

_When you’re alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go-_ “Downtown,” John and Alex both whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> This part is why I actually started writing this series, I've been wanting to write this for weeks  
> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think so I'll stay motivated to write more <3 (pleeeease comment)  
> The next part is probably going to be multi-chaptered because I'm writing it now and damn it's getting really long, stay tuned :)
> 
> Find me on Tumblr [@lexicon-alex](https://lexicon-alex.tumblr.com)!!


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